Oh Lord, what a disaster my kitchen witnessed this evening! To give you some idea...
The picture on the left is the black lava produced by
the world's weirdest volcano. The volcano is located in Tanzania, and its lava is as liquid as roofing tar.
The picture on the right is what happened in my kitchen about an hour ago. So, what brought on this entirely manmade, unnatural disaster?
Well, you see, I wanted to try to make chicken teriyaki. Mind you, I'd never cooked meat before; I was a vegetarian for many years. But I had a package of free-range chicken breasts in the freezer, and I thought they should be put to use.
The first problem arose during the thawing. Not having access to a microwave, I placed the wrapped package of chicken breasts in a bowl of cold water. As directed, I changed the water every half-hour; I'd read that this was the safest way to thaw chicken. But the meat just wasn't thawing, it seemed.
A couple hours went by and I decided to just put the half-thawed meat into a bowl of improvised "teriyaki" sauce. (The sauce was supposed to contain rice wine or honey mixed with water, sake, sugar, and soy sauce - I had no sake, rice wine, or honey, so I put in maple syrup and a bottle of Chardonnay that our neighbor had inexplicably handed to me when I saw him in the hall. Do I look like I need a drink?)
Another hour or so passed and I had to admit, the interiors of the chicken breasts were basically chicken-flavored ice. They had been marinating in the bowl of sauce - how was I to attempt to thaw them again? I took them out, hastily wrapped them in some plastic wrap that had lost its cling, and plunged them into another bowl of (warmer) water. Gradually they thawed.
In the meantime, I attempted to reduce the marinade in a saucepan. It had some nasty grey stuff in it from the chicken - fat, maybe, I don't know what it was. At any rate, it was now time to broil the chicken. The recipe directed me to broil it at medium heat, turn the chicken pieces over every few minutes, and to baste often. I only had a small plastic brush that was probably meant for pastry. And I was really unsure about what constituted "medium heat"... I thought broiling meant high heat. So I put the oven on its highest setting.
Oh, I also tried to fry some pierogies for my son during this time. He only has one-and-a-half teeth,
so he mostly eats soft things. This project also went badly, as I mistakenly browned the butter and burnt the dumplings. I still tried to make him eat them; was this child abuse?
The chicken was now (un)safely in the oven. I took the spatula I use for omelettes and overturned each breast several times. When I saw my son heading for the smoking hot oven, I panicked and yelled for my husband to come get him. I poured the pan of sauce, nasty grey stuff and all, over the chicken breasts, but it seemed to pool on the sides of the pan, er cookie sheet. Did I mention that I'd put the chicken breasts on a cookie sheet? I guess this doesn't really matter as I have to throw it out anyway.
The whole time, I was terrified that we were going to contract salmonella, because I don't have a meat thermometer and parts of the chicken were dangerously pink even ten minutes into the broiling. I finally understood why people pound chicken breasts.
Then, the smoke detector went off. I remembered the time my son accidentally dialed 911 and the person on the line said they had to transfer the call to the local police precinct by law, and I then had to explain to the police officer that everything was indeed fine. I had visions of sirens and firemen rushing to our door with hoses; in vain, I tried to wave the smoke around with a pot holder.
My husband located the smoke detector and deactivated it. I breathed out a sigh of relief and breathed in the aroma of black, bubbling, burnt sauce. I extricated a chicken breast, placed it on my husband's plate, and he agreed not to sue me for spousal assault.
So that was tonight's dinner.
ETA: I've just been informed that I ran the risk of exposing the whole family to E.coli, as one should never use a marinade for raw chicken as a basting sauce. Fortunately, I'm sure my cooking "technique" killed any known pathogens.
