Even the Candle Broke...

Today is my poor husband's birthday. I know he was wondering why I was so preoccupied; I was frantically running around trying to create this disaster without him noticing my efforts. My technique? I started out with a flourless chocolate cake recipe from Italian Slow Cooker. (I forgot to post that I recently purchased a slow cooker, which I hoped would alleviate some of my more egregious cooking errors.) The recipe called for bittersweet chocolate, sugar, coffee, eggs, and butter.

I should mention that my disposable aluminum cake pan was too wide for the oval slow cooker, so I had to kind of smoosh it into the cooker insert. I set the cooker on HIGH, and waited for the results with bated breath.

After over an hour of baking, the cake showed no indication of progressing beyond a liquid consistency. So, I stuck the cake in the oven. A knife never came out clean, although I read that this might be a common occurrence with flourless chocolate cakes. I simply had no idea when I should take the cake out. One baking blog said that this kind of cake should not stay in the oven for more than 35 minutes. Panicking, I took the cake out.

Drama: the moment of unmolding was at hand. This step, I should've skipped. I turned the cake out onto the plate, and a big chunk of the middle immediately stuck to the pan. Whatever aesthetic potential this unfortunate cake may have had was greatly reduced.

The final step of the recipe was a dusting of cocoa - not having the right sort of gadget, I emptied a teaspoon of cocoa over a strainer that I drain spaghetti through. Unevenly, I tried to camouflage the valley in the middle of the cake.

(By the way, the cake was originally round, I swear. The uneven right edge is due to the fact that my husband - inexplicably - tasted the cake.)

The Worst Apple Crisp in the World

I can't figure out exactly why this is so stomach-turning. Maybe it's because I melted the butter in the microwave after reheating leftover salmon. Or maybe it's simply because once again, I had a bad idea and did a Google search to help me carry it out. In this case, I had a small portion of homemade applesauce (it was decent, if rather too lemony; I don't think it needed so much lemon juice). I was craving apple crisp, and wondered if I might not use the applesauce in the pursuit of this craving. One obvious problem is that I did not have much applesauce.

I came across a reprehensible recipe for a "quick" applesauce crisp using Bisquick, but I had none of that substance in the apartment (and probably hadn't since birth). I then found a traditional Betty Crocker recipe that used sliced apples. Since I had barely any applesauce, I halved the ingredients for the topping. After melting the butter, I had a thick dough with the texture of cement. Half-heartedly, I applied this "topping" to the scant applesauce mixture.

Not only does this "crisp" have an unappetizing look and flavor, it just tastes like... well, salmon in a lemon-butter sauce with a soggy crust and a touch of cinnamon. Someone needs to put my kitchen out of its misery.